This morning was horrible. I woke up with a migraine. And a husband who was mad at me. I wasn’t really sure why or what brought it on. All I know is he was upset enough that he didn’t kiss me goodbye, he just told me that he loved me and that he would call me when he got to work so I knew he was safe (Yes, I am quite paranoid) and then he was gone.
The only reason I feel like sharing this story is because when I learned what the subject of this particular “disagreement” was about, I realized that I know at least 4 other couples off the top of my head who have had those very same feelings. And those couples don’t always talk about them with each other, just to their friends, so nothing ever changes.
Matt was upset because he felt like I don’t pull my weight around here during the day while he’s at work. I was upset because I try. Chasing around, disciplining, playing, feeding and cleaning up after 3 little boys is hard work and the house doesn’t always stay clean. The problem he was having isn’t that the house doesn’t always stay clean… It SOMETIMES gets cleaned. There are almost always dishes piling up, the boys room is always a mess, the living room always looks like a toy room. I understand why that’s upsetting. It’s VERY frustrating to me too.. But I honestly am trying. In a given week, I do at least 15 loads of laundry (even when I’m caught up with it) or I get behind. I have to load and unload the dishwasher at least twice or the dishes pile up. The garbage has to be taken out daily. The floor swept 3 times and mopped once. That’s not even beginning to clean up toys or bedrooms. If I were to do this faithfully, I feel like that leaves little time for my kids. If I try to clean all day, and yes I’ve tried, it’s fighting an uphill battle. The kids feel neglected, they get whiney, they find reasons why they need all of my attention, and they need it NOW! I will not do that to my children. If I have to let the house go to give them the time they need, that’s what I’ll do.. And that is what I do. I aaaaalmost had a nervous breakdown talking to him. I didn’t think he understood. I understood what he was saying, but I couldn’t make him understand that while yes, I keep facebook open on the computer, I make it so I can see if I have messages, but I don’t actively sit there playing on it. I was frustrated and hurt because I feel like the work I do around the house, can’t be measured right now. It will be only be visible when our children grow up to be well adjusted, functioning adults that have never ever in their lives had to wonder if their parents love them. But he did have a point. He works overtime every week to come home to a horrible mess. That’s not fair.
Is there even a single possible solution that doesn’t involve illegal drugs or time manipulation??
Matt felt that I do have time, I just might not manage it like I should. I felt that my time management was just fine thank you, and maybe he should pick up a mop and pitch in. LOL (Kidding) He told me what he started doing at work. Writing down a log that accounts for pretty much every minute of the day what you were doing. For example from 1:00 to 1:30 he was doing interviews, from 1:30 to 3:00 he was picking his nose. Stuff like that and he was shocked at how much time he actually wastes that he didn’t think he did.
Me being.. well, me, was happy to take that challenge. :) (it wasn’t really a challenge, he was just trying to lovingly make a point. For reals he’s such a sweetie) So I told him that I would make a log of what I did during the day and I would prove to him once and for all that my job is MUCH harder than he thinks it is. Something amazing happened….
We were BOTH right!
My days really are jam packed of cleaning and children and cooking. I think more so than Matt realized. But at the same time, there were points in the day that I just wanted to sit around. But remembering that I was accountable for my time, I got off my tush and accomplished things! It got to the point where I had to find more things that I could possibly do! I accomplished more today than I ever thought possible while still having some time for myself, being able to go outside and get some quality play with my kids. Still having time to snuggle and talk to each of them, and when Matt got home, he was a very happy man. :)
The reason I wanted to share this, is because I can see how this new technique can potentially help out a ton of people!!! I really did want to find a solution, so going into this with an open mind wanting it to work was very important.
I am going to be making a whiteboard now that I can just account for time spent. I’m going to hang it in a place that will be seen so I can be proud of myself and Matt can see that sometimes, the things I do can’t really be seen by walking through the front door. He would never know otherwise how much time I really do spend during the day with our kids! I’m super excited if you can’t tell.
So, Mattie, thank you for speaking up and sharing your feelings. I was just as frustrated with the situation as you were I think. It took us working together with open minds to find a solution that works. I love you!!!!!
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